Why not?

It’s been quite some time now that I have apparently been reading other people’s blogs.

I didn’t even know what a blog was until I took a training for a new venture I began not so long ago.

I’ve actually begun quite a few new ventures over the past year. 

And somewhere along the way I decided that as an amateur, some would say, I have my own opinion I would like to share!
So here goes yet another new venture. I’d like to start blogging my random thoughts I want to share! 

This blog will have many different topic within. I hope you enjoy it and I really can’t wait to start blogging away!

Oh yeah and my user name has nothing to do with food. Chew on that!

Philosophy challenged

I’m confident that my philosophy has never been more challenged than over the past few months. After reading my last post I realize I haven’t had time for anything including writing an updated blog entry. I was not entirely happy at my new job and applied for others over the summer.

I thought it was a dream come true. The week before school started I was offered a position in a district my fathers family grew up in. One of the schools was even named after my family. It was a bigger program and an opportunity to focus on grades 6-12 along with being 20 minutes closer to home.

I had to give my 30 days notice again. I started off the school year setting up a program for someone to take over. I even helped them find a qualified sub while they looked for a candidate. Then I started a new job at a new school a month after school started. I felt like stepped out of one tornado and into another.

I taught in two buildings with two administrators each and one department chair. I have never felt so intimidated by administration before. The first week I was called into the office to make me aware of a students concerns at the guidance office. We don’t want students to stress about grades. It’s supposed to be fun was the message I got from the department chair. We are concerned about numbers she says. She also made me aware of the pass/fail grading policy. According to the principal, students were also concerned that they would lose participation points due to sports taking them out of 10th period classes. They were also concerned because I told them they were late for the start of 10th period (when they were) and the consequences for that. Then I was told high school also didn’t want to worry about missing AP classes for lessons.

Then things started being questioned like using lesson books (found in the room) and doing warm ups and teaching scales. Like it was a waste of time. And I slowly began to realize the students were used to playing rock music only and being taught everything by rote/ear.

Students were especially hard on themselves while others just didn’t care about getting better on their instrument. But the ones who cared seemed to want to run the class. Like I was doing it wrong and they needed to tell me how it was previously done. And parents continued to complain to admin.

I had a student come in early with a melody line at the winter concert. The entire section followed and there were two different things happening for an entire phrase. The band followed me and the section finally looked up for the cue to their next phrase. It was a mistake but they got through it. To me it was a teachable moment. I always say everyone makes mistakes. But a musician will keep going. To the music critics it was an unacceptable performance and they went after me. I recall the meeting were I was told their response to parents was you’re going above too many heads and to let them take care of it.

And here I am hoping to find a job again. Administration did exactly that. They listened to the loud parent and the took care of it. Because it’s that easy when you’re an untenured teacher. You have no right to due process.

Luck

Luck is when an opportunity comes and you’re prepared for it ~Denzel Washington

An opportunity fell in my lap the same weekend as my daughter’s birthday. A full time teaching position. I have never seen such an informal process in my whole life. But the job is apparently mine. (It still doesn’t feel real) I put my 30 days notice in at my part time position. They had told me since my interview the plan was to make it full time. This is my 4th year there.

This 30 day transition is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my 20 year career. I go back and forth between feeling bad for leaving. I love my job. But I need to be full time. I also drive an hour north for this part time position. I will now drive an hour west. My husband always told me we couldn’t move till I was full time. Maybe I can convince him to now.

They offered my position the next day to someone who looks qualified on paper but is not at all. He is currently subbing in our district and will be done with his temp assignment next week. I assumed they would offer him the part time position until they found someone else. They offered him a full time probationary position. They did this before they even posted the position. And they never tried to stop me from leaving. He turned down the offer admitting he didn’t know how to play any of the band instruments. I looked online later that day. Sure enough it was posted as a full time position. So I clicked apply. Just to say “I see you.”

Then they met with the HS band teacher telling him they would post it full time because they were afraid no one would apply to a part time position. The sub was the only one who applied for that prior opening. I guess they are scared. Even he didn’t tell me till I texted him what I saw.

I visited the new school. I’m trying not to think about the planning too much because I am not working there yet and have a job to finish first. I’m trying to think about the new opportunity over the disappointment in my current position. Why would they keep saying it would become full time and never do it? And why would they wait till I resign to finally do it? And why didn’t they offer it to me?

This new opportunity allows me to work with students at all skill levels. That is not an option in my current district as I only teach elementary right now. The Jr/Sr high band director isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

There’s something to be said about being wanted. There’s something to be said about making qualifications a priority. The principal at my new school told me he had candidates last August that rubbed him the wrong way. So he didn’t fill the position. He posted the opening again in December with no success. And then he sent out a mass email to people within an hour radius. 250-300 emails. He said the response was overwhelming. But I was one of the first to respond. I was the closest. I continued to respond. And I’m sure once he realized I would need to give 30 days notice he didn’t have time to waste. The position was supposed to start January 24th according to the posting. They are waiting for me till February 28th. He even said if the district didn’t hold me to the 30 days I could start before that. He offered me the position in an email. “I can skip the other candidates if you want the position”. What? Is this really how this happens? 20 years into my career and never once have I landed a full time probationary instrumental position. Who says no to that?

I have not heard yet if anyone applied for my current position. I am angry that they are clearly waiting to see if they get anyone before talking to me about. I would make more money there to be honest. But I no longer trust them. I watched them deny tenure to a teacher just last year. Years of part time work leading to 4 years probationary appointment. Only to be given an option to resign instead. Wow. Is that what I would have to be scared of as well?

I started to apply for other positions last summer. There haven’t been many openings and I’ve only had two interviews. I actually suck at interviewing. But once I realized I was wasting my time in more ways than one teaching part time, I knew I had to make a change. I wasn’t getting 10 months credit toward years worked in the retirement system. I was getting 6. Full time years count toward placing a teacher on a step. Not part time. I was moving up in steps but not getting the full salary. None of it counts towards a new school. And I totally need to fix my retirement situation with a full time salary.

So that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. I’m very nervous about when or if they call me for an interview. The building rep even went in on my behalf to ask about me applying. He apparently started rambling and she didn’t understand it all. But he did say I could apply or come talk to him about it. I decided they can come talk to me about it. Why should I beg for a job that was supposed to mine already? Especially when I have another option that made it clear they need me to come rebuild their program.

We went to heaven today

My daughter knows too many people in heaven. But all she knows is that we left them at the cemetery. So the cemetery must be heaven to her. Maybe we really should go back to church.

She purchased Christmas gifts for her family this year for the first time. She picked out gifts for her angel twin sisters. She wanted to know how they would open them. I wasn’t sure how to answer that. So I asked her if she wanted to bring them to the cemetery. She of course did. There was a little Christmas tree at their grave that a family member had placed there. The girls have a flower vase that can go back into the stone with a cover over it. So we put their gifts inside the vase. So she’d know they could get them.

Every time we pass a cemetery she starts talking about heaven. She used to think they were all the same but is now starting to understand they are not.

I am actually posting this over a year late as I found it in my drafts. She again purchased gifts for the twins. They were angel ornaments. She was able to shop at school this year but I didn’t know what she purchased until the last day she came home before Christmas Eve. I was told they did not have a tree this year. And I feel so bad now. Because we still haven’t gone to see them and bring them their gifts from her.

She breaks my heart. She talks about them all the time. When they did their family project at school she told everyone all about her sisters. Their names had to be on the poster. And we even included teddy bear cards from their funeral.

Bella Anne and Gemma Victoria, I know you watch over my baby girl. She says she sees you two all the time. Please continue to let her feel your presence and watch over her.

Not on the same page

I just can’t believe the past few years. 2019 was an awful year. Then COVID-19 came and left me feeling as if 2019 is just haunting us forever.

I have never felt so not on the same page in my entire life. I was so absorbed in my craziness I didn’t even realize it started with Trump when it did. It’s like he made me see this division between what feels like me and the rest of my world.

And even though he’s not in power anymore he has influenced so many of the opinions in my life. Was I blind before? Am I awake now? I like to have faith in humanity but it’s really hard to find these days.

I want to believe there isn’t an evil conspiracy. I want to believe I see evil where it lives. But the negatively just never ends. Why does it make me feel like I need to shut my mouth?

And I can’t help but feel like karma is so real and coming back for it all.

I have a husband who believes COVID-19 is a hoax. He says he got the one and done vaccine to make me happy. He got a blood clot in his leg. And according to him of course the vaccine caused it.

I have a best friend who was always scared of COVID but believes a conspiracy about vaccines. Refused to get one until she was forced to before a treatment for end stage RA. Within a short period of time, she got the vaccine, a chemo treatment and then tested positive for COVID-19. She is now suffering from myocarditis, a possible complication from all of the above. How do we know what caused it?

I’ll bite my tongue if I have to for those I love and care about. But how long do I have to is the question. When will we have more answers?

I currently would give anything to be there for my best friend but all I was able to offer was a ride home from the hospital. I refused to go in the house because her daughter is still under quarantine. (My friend tested negative before I picked her up).

So her little girl has been home for over a month with no interaction with the world. And her mother was hospitalized for almost a week. This little girl was sick and out of school for two weeks before they all started testing positive within the home. Her quarantine started when her mother’s ended. She has still tested negative.

And then there’s always things my husband says that just make no sense. “I don’t think someone on their death bed would be posting on Facebook as much as she is”. Well I’m pretty sure I’d be staring at my phone if I was alone and laying in a hospital bed. He also didn’t seem to fond of the idea that I picked her. But it’s a hoax right?

And then there’s my brother. He doesn’t believe in the accuracy of the tests now. He doesn’t think I should have picked her up either. I can’t help but be so disappointed in him and his selfishness these days.

But this text from my brother a few drunken nights ago kinda pissed me off “I dunno about you, but I can’t handle another loss this close right now.” Bro you haven’t given a shit about her in a long time. You allowed your wife and her sisters to be downright mean to her about her disability in their own twisted way. And you have allowed your wife to control your relationships since. She’s my best friend. And I’ve seen her health decline for years now. But you guys all look at her and see nothing wrong right? So judgmental.

I just don’t understand how we have come to be so confused about everything. Why can’t people just trust the experts? And how close to home does it have to hit before we understand the consequences of our actions?

And then we had to throw into the mix the National school violence threat this week. The anniversary week of Sandy Hook of course. A challenge that started off as a skip school day. Look what they did. They made us all scared to send our kids to school. I almost forgot for a bit there that we have to live in fear as well. I don’t think anything happened. But they won didn’t they?

#stopthespread #stopthehate #stoptheviolence

Confidence vs Ego

Do you ever look back and think to yourself, “Wow that was totally a red flag”?

I mean if you’re anything like me you’ve had enough bad relationships to be able to see the original red flags after it’s probably too late.

I recall saying directly to my boyfriend at the time, “There’s a big difference between being confident and being cocky.” He still to this day will say he’s not cocky, he’s confident.

But when taken to another extreme it becomes a completely different issue.

Here’s only the first source I found quickly just now that taught me a word I had heard but never understood before now. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm

I mean was that a shocking jump to anyone reading this? I was certainly shocked the first time I read it. Probably more shocked that it described my husband to a t.

I mean when reading this it sounds as if there’s no hope. I mean “extremely resistant to changing their behavior” sounds on point to me. Do I just give up trying?

I’ve never thought I’d finally be married and question this commitment. I also feel like I can’t talk to anyone about it even though it seems everyone in my life understands what I’m seeing here. How do you come to terms with not wanting to be here anymore. Especially when kids are involved.

I just try to continue to go with it. But I can’t help this feeling that I just can’t shake. It’s just not me to feel this way and do nothing about it.

Something I can relate to…

https://www.scarymommy.com/open-letter-man-i-wish-you-were/

Remote again

Here we are. Remote again. Our school community is being hit harder than it has so far during a time they say the numbers are going down.

It’s hard to make people understand that the school has not caused this in any way shape or form. Contact tracing has led to outside school events. Spread had been within large families in the district.

Our affected families are not understanding or following quarantine recommendations. It’s hard to watch to be honest.

And today I learned about a cyber bullying event directed toward the student I sent out before break. Everything is supposedly confidential but not so much when the student shares their own results.

I don’t know the student who posted the video but I hear he’s a good kid. I’m sure he’s just reacting to what we are all going through together. But someone needs to let him know it’s not ok to say another student’s first and last name when discussing confidential information.

And the one who told me all about this is now convinced schools are dirty. He has decided to permanently go remote when it was not recommended for him after this past spring. I haven’t had many conversations like this one. But I did feel the need to correct him and put him in his place.

We were all quarantined. It was precautionary. And not one of us got sick. I’d say we’re doing something right.

I should have added that his case was so long ago that it had nothing to do with the 29 staggering cases last week and the 6 more so far this week.

Day 5 Quarantined

It’s hard to do what’s considered best for your family when your own husband believes this is a hoax.

It’s hard to have clear expectations at work when politics get in the way.

And it is hard to respect confidentiality of others when it feels like your own confidentiality is being violated.

It’s hard to lie on a health screening when it should be about the child and not anyone in the household. I am usually an honest person. This is twice now this year I’ve lied.

And it’s really hard to tell your own daughter no hugs or kisses.

It’s hard to clean and take care of personal tasks when expected to work from the home you’re not allowed to leave.

Another event to teach us we can be prepared all we want but life certainly has it’s own plans.

This too shall pass.

Quarantined

And I mean court ordered. This is serious!

I suppose I shouldn’t be even blogging about this. Confidentially is kinda BS when contact tracing is involved. And even more so when you’re the one who sent the student to the nurse.

The child came in telling me (as he coughed before saying it) that other students were telling him he should go remote as he’s been coughing a lot. The nurse was clearly pissed. 8th period. Rapid testing done for the day. And if students were talking about it why would a teacher not have noticed earlier?

I called his dad after school because I actually felt bad that I had to do it. He admitted he also had a cough and that’s where the student caught it. They thought he was ok to go to school. Wow. Just wow. What world do you live in?? The test was scheduled for 9:30 am.

I answered the screening questions the next day feeling a little disturbed. Did I come in contact with someone positive? Well I wasn’t sure yet.

On my way in from the parking lot I saw him in the patient parking spots. It was now 10 am. Had they not done it yet? I still don’t know if I should be here? I tried to ask the nurse and she said no news is good news. As I left her office I saw someone run back in toward the superintendents office. That couldn’t be good.

Contact tracing took all day. All day! Come to find out the kid had symptoms for 2 days before I sent him out. Now I’ve been exposed 3 times.

It wasn’t till 9th period that I was called back into the office to have DOH tell me I was quarantined. And then they sent me back to the class someone was covering for me so they could go cover the next teacher they needed back in the office.

I thought I was preparing for another lockdown. I didn’t know I was preparing to wear a mask in my own home, stay 6 feet from my own 3 year old daughter or continue to teach remotely while not being allowed to leave my house. But that’s my story for the next two weeks.

Hopefully I don’t get sick.

The night the Christmas lights didn’t go on

When you take your almost 4 year old to Walmart and you feel like you’re doing something wrong. After the recent holiday our numbers are spiking. I suppose I should be avoiding things like this but I can’t help wonder how much longer we will be able to. Who would have thought a little girl would miss being able to go to the store with her mama so much?

We needed some things for upcoming holiday parties at school. Ugly sweaters. Holiday masks. A flannel shirt. At least I found some ugly Christmas sweaters before they were gone unlike the Halloween black and orange party I shopped for too late. I ordered the rest online. I’m having a heart attack that it comes in before it’s needed for school!

And while we were there I packed my cart full of items I could stock up on. There were empty shelves all over the store again. Why is this happening again?

And when I pulled up at the house my husband happened to pull up right behind me. It would have been nice that he helped carry groceries in if he hadn’t complained about everything while doing it. He hates the paper bags I had to purchase (because I didn’t think to go home and grab the 50 bags we have before going and after picking her up on a work/school day). I packed them too heavy for him to attempt carrying them all at the same time which I didn’t plan on doing. It would have been nice that he started putting them away but he complained there was no where to put everything as if I purchased unnecessary items. And then he was mad I didn’t buy anything he could make for dinner in 90 seconds. The only rice I purchased that you didn’t have to “make” had peas in it and he says he’s allergic. He knew I went to the store and acted like he didn’t know. He told me he wouldn’t be home and then was upset I didn’t buy him dinner. (Baby girl and I ordered food at subway on the way out). And then I set her up on the counter next to her elf on the shelf with her dinner. She had already insisted on eating her breakfast up there with her. When I walked out to smoke a cigarette he immediately told her to get off the counter saying she shouldn’t be up there. Why does he have to be such a bah humbug? I could hear her whining in her room over the monitor about it. And then when I came back in to say something he had to nerve to tell me he never does anything right. All I heard was everything I apparently did wrong. I didn’t even buy the right cookies!

I realized later that night the first thing I was going to do was turn on our Christmas lights as it had just gotten dark. His presence distracted me and they never went on that night. And here I sit. Continuing to be unhappy in my relationship and unable to talk to anyone about it. I quit counseling because I needed to save money. But talking to her never made it end anyways. She tells me I’m good at dealing with him. That doesn’t make it end.